YOU DON'T KILL OUT OF LOVE

-by Flora Löffelmann

It’s a sunny April day on Kärntnerstaße [1], and two Instagram influencers, who will remain unnamed here, go for a stroll. They are talking into their phone camera, joking about what they have just bought, grinning at each other, readjusting their sunglasses. Their attention suddenly shifts away from the inside camera of their phone: There is a noise whose origin we, as onlookers, bound to the perspective the influencer’s camera imposes on us, cannot yet see. “Chants, it’s chants, what are they chanting?” the influencers wonder, a hint of annoyance in their tone. “It seems to be about women’s rights – again.”  

As the noise gets louder and louder, separate voices, forming a chorus, are audible. Finally we are allowed to see its source: People marching down the pristine shopping street, holding banners, waving flags. “Femicide, what’s that supposed to be?”, one of the influencers wonders, the banner now in full frame, the force of the chant amplified by the shop windows, words finally discernible: “Stoppt Femizide, man tötet nicht aus Liebe!” – “Stop Femicides, you don’t kill out of love!”  They are angry, they are upset, they are hurt. Again, a woman has been killed by her ex, or current partner, the seventh woman of 2021, and it’s only April [2]. Again, there is no political action taken to better the situation of women in Austria, again, the deed is publicly labelled as a “relationship drama”, is downplayed, is ridiculed. The video is interrupted as the angry voices drown out the innocuous banter. 

Femicide, the “murder of women because they are women”[3], should be a highly debated concept due to the losses it involves. However, most of the Austrian public seems to be as unaware of the concept and its roots as the influencers we encountered before. “Most of the victims of manslaughter are still men!”, some may say in an attempt to debase the claim that femicides constitute a specific form of violence, and that this is a practice that only happens far away, in other countries, on other continents even. “It was only because he loved her so much!”, others might argue, or “I am sure that she provoked it!”, just falling short of “I am sure she deserved it!” 

What these critics are unaware of is that they, in making these assumptions, are themselves prime exhibits as well as involuntary defenders of the toxic structures that bring about the murders in the first place. They, too, perform acts that legitimize the violence prompted by gender norms and their societal enforcement. In fact, these statements show that the structures, which some call the patriarchy, have been naturalized to such an extent that it seems perfectly plausible that a man would hit a woman out of rage, and that she would be deserving of such treatment. And this does not happen somewhere “far away”, it happens right here, in Austria. In the governing system of gender oppression, in which people are privileged or oppressed because of how they relate to ideas of manhood and womanhood [4], it seems legitimate that a man would express his undying love by killing the person he desires. 

After all, the binary construction of gender, neatly separating attributes, character traits and tendencies into two distinct camps, named “masculine” and “feminine”, awards those who were raised male to endorse violence. Violence is their chance to prove that they are “real men”. It is expected that they assert their place in the world, and take what’s “rightfully” theirs, that they take up as much space as they want on sidewalks, on public transport, in lectures and discussions, and make others bend to their demands. That they conquer and colonize, and that, ultimately, it’s their right to do so: who could stop them? From early on, socialization installs in them the feeling that the world is just theirs to take. After all, the societal images of masculinity that endorse the idea of violence are quite glamorous: who does not want to be a police officer[5], protecting law and order, or a soldier [6], fighting for what is supposedly right? 

Those raised as females, on the other hand, are expected to care for others, to be compassionate and docile. They are sanctioned when they take on any of the behaviors usually associated with manhood: Demanding of your co-workers to follow your orders? Bossy. Saying that you don’t want to care for your parents when they are old? Coldhearted. Not wanting to bear and raise children? Definitely not a “real woman”. The societal enforcement of these structures is so endemic to Austrian society that we hardly ever stop to think, for example, about the fact that most schools, especially in rural areas, do not offer canteen food. Or that most rural kindergartens are only open in the morning, and that schools do not offer afternoon care. One of the most overlooked problems is that the lack of adequate childcare provided by the state still implicitly places the responsibility for care work in the hands of women, who, in turn, suffer immense material costs – and might end up killed in the process. 

Don’t get me wrong: men, too, suffer from the enforcement of ideas of manhood and womanhood – that’s exactly why most of the victims of manslaughter are men, and why more men than women end their own lives. Taught that violence, and staying “strong” in light of trouble, are the only acceptable reactions to negative feelings, you will have a hard time learning how to deal with situations where others don’t act according to your wishes. You might feel that you are societally expected to be “the strong one” in a relationship in order to prove that you are committed to being a “real man”. You might retort to violence because you have been taught that it’s the only way out. Yet, it is important to note that these structural reasons do not rid anyone of personal culpability: In 2020, Austrian women’s shelters recorded 10 814 incidents of being in contact with women who called them to ask for help. Over the span of the last years, each month, on average three women have been killed by their intimate partners [7]. 

The statement “But she could have just left him if he was violent towards her!” is ignorant of the fact that, in order to be able to end a relationship, to move out of a shared flat or even house and to start off new, immense economic security is needed. This is how the societal enforcement of norms of womanhood factors into this vicious cycle: How will a person afford to start a new life if they could only ever take on minor employment because it was their “responsibility” to take care of the children? How will someone, who has significant gaps in their working history that are due to caring for others, someone who, as a result, only receives a minimum pension, be able to leave a partner who provides financial stability? And, maybe most importantly, how are children expected not to repeat these patterns, if alternatives are painted as not being societally accepted? What if we, instead, created a world where boys don’t have to fear being bullied because they are compassionate and show their feelings, and where girls who want to enter fields that are typically painted as male domains don’t have to work three times as hard to receive recognition for their work?   

Those who make sexist jokes reinforcing gender stereotypes and those who use concepts such as “friend zone”[8] to communicate that they think someone owes them sexual attraction are complicit in upholding this cycle of violence which fosters femicides. So are those who are pathologically jealous, those who feel the need to control the other person, and those who blame and categorically mistrust victims of sexual abuse. They are as culpable as those who decide “not to speak about it” because it could destroy a family. They all help to create an environment in which it’s expected that women just “accept their place”, and where it's normalized that they are punished, even killed, for dissenting with the roles society has reserved for them.  

What can be done to end this violent cycle? We are, of course, all in different positions when it comes to making a societal impact. Yet, there are many things everyone can do. A big part of this process is holding politicians accountable: demand laws which acknowledge the importance of care work and allocate funds accordingly. Demand that women’s shelters are supported, and that politics acknowledge the toxic structures imposed by binary gender norms. Elect politicians who will actively fight for these causes, and who listen to and side with those who are vulnerable. Hold news outlets accountable who promote a culture of indifference towards gender based violence by putting “relationship drama” in their headlines instead of the more uncomfortable word “femicide”. Demand of them to name what is there: the patriarchal system, its invisibilized structures, the pressure all of us feel who are forced to live in a society which is tailored to the needs of some. 

Next time you hear someone fighting in the neighbor's flat or on the street, don’t look away: take a stand, intervene, show that you are there and willing to help. Hold your friends accountable for making sexist remarks, and actively create situations where people can critically assess the norms of masculinity and femininity they might not even notice living by. Go to the streets, organize, make some noise. Most importantly: don’t believe others who tell you there is nothing to be done about it anyway, and that this is just how the world is. Because we have to realize that only if we commit to being actively feminist, we will create a future where femicides are a thing of the past. 

Useful resources: 

Frauenhelpline: 0800 222 555

24-h Frauennotruf (City of Vienna): 01 71719

Women’s Shelter Emergency Line: 05 77 22

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[1] Vienna’s most expensive shopping street.
[2] https://www.aoef.at/images/04a_zahlen-und-daten/Frauenmorde_2021_Liste-AOEF.pdf (22.4.2021)
[3] https://apps.who.int/iris/bitstream/handle/10665/77421/WHO_RHR_12.38_eng.pdf (22.4.2021)
[4] Dembroff, Robin (2021): Real Men on Top: The Relations of Patriarchy. Oxford University Press. (forthcoming)
[5] For the sad record of people who died while in custody of Austrian police see: https://www.profil.at/oesterreich/blacklivesmatter-toedliche-polizeigewalt-auch-in-oesterreich/400929920 (22.4.2021)
[6] In Austria, only “male” teenagers are by law obliged to either serve in the military or “compensate” this by doing community service. Note how the military option is still the default.
[7] Apart from providing help for women in need, Austria’s autonomous women’s shelters keep book of violence against women in Austria. https://www.aoef.at/images/04a_zahlen-und-daten/AOEF-Statistik_2020.pdf (22.4.2021)
[8] “The concept of the friend zone basically takes women's agency out of the picture entirely by making the relationship transactional.” https://www.bustle.com/p/is-the-friend-zone-real-only-as-a-sexist-idea-51220 (22.4.2021)