SNAPSHOT - BY STSK
Snapshot
“Many things are happening simultaneously. Can’t think straight. Admiration. Inspiration. Reading. White friends mimic Turkish folks speaking. Heartbeat. Chest tightening. Bank clerk talks to my father like he’s a child. Dead Black bodies. Triggered. In the wake of triviality and randomness. Black body dehumanized, Black agony dehumanized. Content. Consumption. Cop talks to my father like he’s an ape. Another Country . Saleswoman talks to my father like he’s stupid. “Mischlinge san so scheene Leit, fui scheena ois di ganz schwoazn.” Heartbeat. Chest tightening. I can’t think straight. Can’t remember who, what, when or how. Too much is happening within myself these last few days. Triggered to much.
Raise the shield. Rupture shield. “Verkaufst du Gras?”. I have to deal with myself more. I have to put my fingers in the wound. Don’t want to check in with friends. Won’t explain, won’t clear up. Can’t think straight. “Grüß Gott, Personenkontrolle, die Ausweise bitte.” Heartbeat. Chest tightening. Too much at once. Snap. Woman in front of me changes sides of the street, at steady fast pace, her arms firmly wrapped around herself. Got to report to Kamaianda. Wonder how he’s doing.
Family. Expectations. Responsibility. Got to deal with the urn transfer. Windhoek funeral office, Regensburg city funeral office. Paperwork. Questioning. Reasons. I owe him. Humbuu’s here to help. Guess, Kavena would do so too. Dead bodies on Instagram. In Austrian deportation custody. On German mattresses. Dead black bodies. Triggered. Many things are happening simultaneously. Raise the shield. Content. Consumption. Rupture shield. Early racist childhood memories - what a term.
Discussion. Attack. Defense. Protest. I can’t think straight. Need to read more. Black authors. When did that stop being so important to me? Raised the shield I guess. White allies surround BIPoC at the rally yesterday. Inside the BIPoC Block some have tears in their eyes, lying in each other’s arms. Ruptured shields. Scattered white faces on cell phones, laughing, rolling joints. Confrontation. Demanding respect. Demanding space. Demanding silence. White woman: “Des is mei Lond!” Heartbeat. Chest tightening. Too much at once. Triggered. Anger. Tears. Cry out. Pain. Solidarity.
Solidarity from the other side: “Sie hat das Recht hier zu stehen” says the joint roller to the face of the Black woman surrounded by BIPoC demanding space. Securities in yellow. Snap. Seems like most of the people on the street are not the same as those on construction sites, factories, workshops and the back rooms of hotels, kitchens and cafes. Bubble. Classism. I can’t think straight. Disbelief on their faces. Ruptured shields. Many things are happening simultaneously. The speaker from London tells of how she was choked by the drugstore security - under the glances of five other pairs of eyes. Das Zeitalter der Fische . I can’t think straight.
Ruptured shield. New affiliation. I need to read more. Shared experiences are not equal experiences. I need to listen. Queer voices. Inspiration. Admiration. Got to put my finger in the wound. Colorism. Shades. Hierarchy. Power. Gender. Privilege. Classism. Don’t have to check in with friends. Why don’t they check in? Scared to say the wrong thing? Unawareness? Can’t think straight. Please don’t answer, should you read this. I’m fine, it has never been any different. Many things at once. Snapshot. Young black man on stage yesterday said that being Black means coping with identity crisis. Raptured shield. So much is happening at once.”
STSK_Mbatjiua Hambira lives and works in Vienna. He was born as the son of a Black Namibian and
a white German mother in 1989 in Regensburg, Germany. After graduating from high school, he
studied international development and socio-economics in Vienna. His focus was on neo-colonialism,
discourse theories and socio-cultural theories of democracy. Currently he works in the project
management of an Art Social Space in the 10th district of Vienna and as a self-employed musician,
producer and songwriter.
Instagram: stsk_shawntsk